all prose no cons

I see and hear about it time and time again, Christians having “lists” about what they want in a partner. I believe this is one of the most absurd things we have in “Christian culture” and one that I consider often destructive.

Hypothetically if someone is going to wait for God to answer their every request on their list, I suppose he could do it, but the person may have to wait 20 years as God will have to take the list, match it to the DNA of a couple then enter the characteristics the list required into their yet to be born child they will have together, the birth will occur and now we will have ideal person as set by the list of requirements. Read a long book as during the wait for this ideal person to enter maturity and become of marriageable age and then go for it! Thank God for creating the Ideal person to match someone’s marriage list!

The whole idea of wanting a set requirement or a list for a person to meet is preposterous. I am not saying that you cannot have things to look for, but keep it general; I want a girl with a sense of humor. But I am not saying she must love Curb Your Enthusiasm like I do. I believe having a set list removes the fun of meeting a variety of people God can place in our lives, as you would be too focused on meeting said set requirement. Where is the romance in sizing everyone up to a list rather than learning about people and who they are? There are many interesting people in the world, and many people who could be eligible partners, there is not one person out there “set apart” for you, there are plenty of people you could partner with. You could miss out on someone great by sticking to a list you want met.

The next point is people change, and people don’t.

My mum loves horses and she goes riding with my dad quite often, they own 9 horses. When my parents met my dad had no interest in horses. If that was on her list, she would have bypassed him, and I wouldn’t be here now…. Over time her passion somewhat rubbed off on him, and he now has an interest (still not a passion) in the equine world. Your partner is a growing and developing person and will change over time, requiring things immediately is absurd and unreasonable.

One of the more destructive aspects of a list is when someone wants their partner to meet everything on the list, so they decided to “work on their partner” rather than accepting the person for who they are. Divorce rates are continually increasing, and a lot of people will say this is because of the settling for second best scenario. While in some cases this may be true, I would argue that there would be just as many marriages breaking up because one partner did not accept the other at the start, and decided to later try change that person, or they thought that they can just change them over time to meet the set list requirements. No one will ever meet your list, and they should not be forced to, or held unnaturally to it. The joke goes that women think men will change once married and they don’t, while men think women wont change, and they do.

Having a list in mind goes against what the apostle Paul states in 1 Corinthians 7:27 “are you married, do not seek a divorce, are you unmarried, do not seek a wife” The reason for this is explained later in verse 32 “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs- how he can please the Lord (33) but a married man is concerned about the affairs of the world- how he can please his wife.” It goes on to state later than if someone is burning with desire or fears acting improperly toward another than they should and it is then right to marry. My point is that if you are single, it states that you should really use that time to think about the things of God, and not about creating lists for a partner. “Do not seek a wife” is stated in verse 27. In fact I would believe that part of being concerned about the things of God, is being concerned with your own character and integrity, rather than that of someone else. This ties into something else that I think is unhealthy in Christian culture and that is the obsession with marriage, which I think I should leave for another time.

One person spoke to me of the importance of having a list saying “if you don’t have a list you will not know when God has given you what you are wanting and you will settle for something less”. This is bizarre to me, as I do not believe that God gives partners to people, but it is through meeting and developing a relationship that people then choose they want to be married, the development of passion and understanding of the necessary need and desire to become married. You will know if the person is who you want to marry because there will be an undoubted attraction to who they are or lack of it. We have natural attractions, so we have a sort of inbuilt list of likes and dislikes anyway, but do leave it open for change and development. There are certain things I am attracted to and other things I am not, I do not need a list to figure that out. Also I am not saying I do not believe in divine appointments but it is completely your choice who you marry, and good or bad that is your decision, I cannot see how a list will help you, if anything it will restrict you as you go on your quest to have all the boxes ticked.

Another slight deviation but connected to the last paragraph is the idea of God giving people as rewards for good behavior! I cannot believe that Christians believe in this idea. I saw a post recently on Facebook saying that Mr. Unnamed was a great Christian man so God has blessed him by giving him Mrs. Unnamed. What ridiculous nonsense! Since when does God give women away as prizes? It sounds a lot like the Islamic belief in 72 virgins for martyrdom. And what does that say about people that have lost a spouse through divorce or death? Is that God’s punishment for bad behavior? I am very wary of people who say God will bless you with a great wife if you are so and so because it removes the decision-making and then ownership of the choice from the person. What will happen in times of marital struggle? Blame God?

In conclusion, I do not agree with the list idea because it will ultimately restrict a person from finding a partner with individuality and characteristics that may not have been thought of. People change over time naturally, so any list is going to be dated. Holding people to a list over time will be detrimental to the relationship, and ultimately during a persons time of single living they would be better concerned with their own integrity and relationship with God than with creating imaginary lists.